my unintentionally numbered days

I’m pretty sure I gave myself accidental Dust Destroyer inhalation disease. And if I Google that shit it better be a real thing doctors are working to cure because my days are obviously numbered.

I’m guessing I can sue my employer for this as well. Had it not been for the job they gave me and the Dust Destroyer they supplied me the above mentioned offense would not have occurred.

It’s all because my desk was intentionally placed (I believe) in the most unflattering position possible for discreetly searching the web at work. Someone obviously tipped my job off months, maybe years before I came along and they nailed my desk down and said I was going to sit this way. So a wild hair struck me, I thought I could possibly turn my monitor a certain way to make it more difficult for sneakers (and not your shoes, but those pesky rule followers at work) to see.

So I turned it, then went to the sneakers lookout, realized I could still see the monitor. Came back, turned it again, checked the lookout, gave up thinking there would ever be privacy for my internet actions.

Then in my defeat I recognized my desk was dusty! So I moved it all again, stole the Dust Destroyer off the co-workers desk (it’s ok because she’s at the beach, no dusting needed there) and went wild dusting stuff. I’ll admit it got crazy and I went a little overboard, but in my defense I did not know, nor did I read the cautions on the back of the can before use.

After I inhaled all the dust that has apparently collected since the dinosaurs walked around and I revived myself I figured it was a good time to read those cautions on the can. Except that I couldn’t. Because the can was now magically frozen from use. However that happens.

So I waited for the can to warm and realized I wasn’t (obviously) in immediate danger.

And so it reads:

Caution (in red to help me find it, how thoughtful): KEEP OUT OF REACH OF CHILDREN. My first mistake.

THE INTENTIONAL MISUSE BY DELIBERATELY INHALING CONTENTS MAY BE FATAL. Does this mean I’ll live because it wasn’t intentional?

I think I might survive, narrowly, but I’m still googling to see how advanced the treatment for unintentional misuse has come.

I may also contact a lawyer for a pre-wrongful death suit. Only for my husband’s benefit.